Hi, I'm Cheryl, and, um, welcome to Work Stress Anxiety by abgw. Now, today's episode is all about those work mistakes that we keep replaying in our heads. You know, have you ever made one mistake at work and then your brain decided to turn. Turn it into a full blown BBC documentary? I'm not talking a short documentary, mind. I mean a six part steaming event, director's cuts, bonus footage as well with slow motion replays. You have that internal commentary from a very judgmental narrator who apparently has no hobbies. Okay, maybe, maybe you've missed something in an email, or maybe you handled the situation really badly and now, days, weeks, sometimes years later, your mind still keeps dragging it out. You know, what was I thinking? Why did I do that? I should have handled that completely different. Well, this episode is about that, lo. Not forgiveness in a fluffy sort of way. Because honestly, if just letting go works, uh, half the self help industry would collapse into scented candles. Why have I got a thing about scented candles? I don't know. I'm talking about the real kind of self forgiveness. The gritty, practical kind. The kind that says, yes, yes, maybe something happened, yes, maybe you should or would have done it differently. And no, you do not have to turn that mistake into a life sentence. Okay, so today we're looking at why work mistakes stick, why self blame is so hard to interrupt, and one practical way to begin loosening that regret grip without pretending that you're fine. Ah, believe me, I know what it's like to replay things. There have been times in my life where I've walked away from a conversation and immediately started the post match analysis that I often do when Arsenal plays. Not the useful type, the ridiculous type. The kind where your brain suddenly becomes an all, uh, some sort of award winning forensic investigator, only they're investigating you. It remembers tone, it remembers facial expressions, the tiny pauses, you know, which must obviously mean that now you, um, your work, your ancestry, and um, possibly your choice of shoes all matters. Um, and what I've learned, what I've learned, both professionally, the hard way. Uh, sorry, both personally, the hard way and professionally true, is that the hardest part often isn't the mistake itself. It's what we make the mistake mean in our heads. That mistake means somehow becomes I'm not safe or a difficult meeting becomes I've ruined everything. A moment of being human becomes there's something wrong with me. And the thing is, once your nervous system attaches danger to the memory, logic often leaves the room because you can tell yourself, I've done, I'M done now. And often you can even tell yourself it's probably wasn't that bad. But then your brain says, lovely. Shall we replay that

13am? M. Just to be sure? Yes, very helpful. But it's gold star emotional sabotage. I think it is anyway. Especially for us women. Us, uh, high functioning women because we're used to being, you know, capable, reliable, organised. What else? Responsible. You know, the kind of person who holds half the emotional scaffolding up with our spreadsheets and our facial expressions that say fine. Mistakes can feel dangerous, not disappointing, dangerous. A, uh, work mistake for me doesn't just feel like a mistake, sometimes can make you feel as if you've exposed a nerve. Uh, that mask slipped, that polished version of you is wobbling. That internal critic starts sharpening the cutlery and it's as if you've already. It's as if you're carrying work stress and anxiety, perfectionism, people pleasing, all that leadership pressure. And regret doesn't just visit, kind of moves in. It starts using, you know, the good towels that you put away for when guests come. Yeah, that's what regret does. And the thing is, you might be replaying an email you sent too quickly or the conversation where you sounded sharper than you meant to be, or all the time where you, you didn't really listen to what your staff member was trying to tell you. You would. You were too interested in just getting the meeting done. And um, that, that self loop, self blame loop begins. You know, I should have known. I should have done better. I should stop thinking about this. The last one is practically unhelpful. Telling yourself to stop thinking about regret is like telling a sneeze to respect your nose's boundaries. It usually doesn't. So instead of trying to slam the door on the thought, let's create some space, some space around it, you know, some, some space for some forgiveness to move into. You know, so we don't begin by forcing forgiveness. We know we allow our inner world that's maybe crammed already with shame, guilt and replays and self attack. You know, we begin by creating that space, making space. So here's the reality bit. Well, this is the way I see it. Regret often shows up when your values are alive. I know what you mean. You're thinking what she talking about here. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be replaying it. That doesn't mean that the replay is helpful. It just means some part of you is trying to process, repair, learn or prevent future pain. The problem Is that self blame is a terrible teacher. Self blame doesn't say, here, here's what to learn. It says, you are the problem. And that's where we need to separate two things. The two things that we need to separate is what happened and who you are now. The thing is, a mistake may be something you did, but it's not who you are. Okay? A difficult moment may need reflection. I'm a big advocate for reflection, but it doesn't need a shrine. Okay? You don't need to build a shrine to shame. Responsibility is useful, but endless punishment is not. And often, you know, I want to. I, uh, know I want to offer you a phrase here that might be useful to you. Responsibility is not punishing yourself forever. Responsibility is allowing. Your responsibility is your ability to respond. Now, response, ability. A, uh, little world word play. Yes. I apologise because this is where change becomes possible. You may not be able to change the past, but you may be able to change the relationship you have with it. Um, and that is not nothing. That's often the doorway that we need. So here's a practical little thing for you. I call it the regret release note. Not a giant journaling ritual. No. We're not bringing a head torch and a packed lunch here into your shave cave. Shave cave. Today. No. Why? I want you. I just want you to do five minutes. That's it. I want you to take a piece of paper or open a note on your phone and write three headings. Three headings. One, what happened? Two, what did it cost me and what did I learn? And number three, what is one small repair or release action? Okay, so those are the three headings. So, first heading, what happened? Keep it factual. Not. It was a total disaster and everyone probably thinks I'm incompetent. No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is I sent the report late. I snapped in the meeting. I missed a detail. I didn't say what I wanted to. Facts. Facts first. No drama here. Okay. Number two, what did it cost me and what did I learn? This is where you let the regret speak, but you don't let it take over the building. Okay, so you might write, it cost me sleep. It made me doubt myself. It showed me that I was overthinking. It showed me I needed to slow down before I reply. It showed me I need support, not self attack. This matters because regret often keeps looping when learning hasn't been named. Once learning is named, the brain goes, um, mmm, interesting. And it starts sorting that information into your memory differently. Not as danger, danger, danger, but more as. That was painful, but it's processed now. Okay, moving on to number three. What is one small repair or release action that I can do now? This is where your choice. One step, one next step, not 16. Okay, just one. So an example might be. I will apologise briefly if that was in, um, you know, if that was appropriate. I will clarify the email. I will make a note for next time. I will speak to someone. I will stop using this mistake as proof that I'm broken. I will close this loop for tonight and come back to it tomorrow if needed. Then, and only if it feels right, add one final sentence, and that is I'm allowed to learn without living inside punishment. That's the line I'm allowed to learn without living inside the punishment. Write it, say it, borrow it until it feels less ridiculous. Because at first it might seem ridiculous. You're writing that down and that's fine. Your nervous system doesn't need a standing ovation. It just needs some repetition. Okay? Relief is when the regret quietens for a moment. Relief matters. Restoration deepens. Restoration is where your memory no longer gets to define you. It becomes part of your learning, not part of your identity. Regardless is not pretending the mistake didn't happen. Forgiveness is refusing to let one moment become the whole map of your worth. And sometimes, if you can't make amends directly, you Repair. Your repair is how you live. Next. It's one of the things that, um, 12 step programmes do you know, they get you as part of the 12 steps to make amends. But the thing is, what if the person you want to make amends to is not around you? Repair. Your repair is how you live your life. Next, who you mentor. You become more honest. You slow down before reacting. You treat someone else with the compassion you needed. That counts. Not because it erases the past, but because it changes what grows from there. So if, if there's anything to take away from this episode, if you keep replaying work mistakes, it doesn't mean that you're weak, broken, or dramatic. It may mean your nervous system has tagged that memory as, uh, unfinished. So don't start with self attack. Start with steadiness. Name what happened. Separate the mistake from your identity. Choose one repair or release action. Then give yourself permission to stop serving, uh, a life sentence in your nervous system with panic. The thing is, you're allowed to learn, okay? You're allowed to repair where repair is possible. And you're allowed to move forward. Forward. Even if the past still tugs at your sleeves sometimes. Remember, progress is progress, no matter the pace. And if this episode help helped you at all, please follow the podcast. That way the next episode is there when you need it without you having to go hunting through your phone. And I wanted to say thank you for listening into Work Stress Anxiety by abgw. And remember, every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards a brighter, more balanced future. Uh, trust in your journey. And remember, progress is progress, no matter the pace. I'm Cheryl and uh, we'll speak real soon. Bye for now. Sam.